Posts
Building Respectful Relationships: Why Being Nice Isn't Enough (And Other Hard Truths)
Here's something that'll ruffle feathers: most people think they're already respectful, but they're actually just polite. There's a massive difference, and frankly, I'm tired of watching good organisations crumble because nobody wants to address it.
After nearly two decades in corporate consulting and watching countless workplace dynamics unfold, I've seen "respectful" teams that couldn't collaborate their way out of a paper bag. I've also witnessed seemingly blunt, direct cultures where people genuinely cared for each other's success. The difference? Understanding what respect actually means versus what we think it should look like.
The Politeness Problem
Let me be controversial here: excessive politeness is killing Australian workplaces. We've become so obsessed with not offending anyone that we've forgotten how to have meaningful professional relationships. Real respect isn't about tiptoeing around everyone's feelings – it's about valuing someone enough to be honest with them.
I learned this the hard way during my early consulting days in Melbourne. There was this project manager – lovely bloke, always said please and thank you, never raised his voice. Classic "respectful" colleague, right? Wrong. He'd agree to unrealistic deadlines in meetings, then privately complain about impossible expectations. He'd nod enthusiastically at terrible ideas rather than offer constructive feedback. His team was stressed, projects were failing, but hey, at least nobody's feelings got hurt in the meetings.
That's not respect. That's cowardice dressed up as courtesy.
What Respectful Relationships Actually Look Like
Real respectful relationships in the workplace have three non-negotiables that most people get backwards:
Honest Communication Over Comfortable Lies This means saying "I disagree with this approach because..." instead of nodding along and hoping someone else will speak up. It means admitting when you don't understand something rather than pretending you do. It means giving feedback that might initially sting but ultimately helps someone improve.
I remember working with a Brisbane-based manufacturing company where the production manager had this brilliant habit of ending disagreements with "Help me understand your perspective." Not "You're wrong," not "That won't work," but a genuine invitation to bridge the gap. Respectful relationships aren't about avoiding conflict – they're about handling it constructively.
Reliability Over Grand Gestures Respect is built through consistent small actions, not dramatic displays. It's returning calls when you say you will. It's being prepared for meetings. It's following through on commitments, even the tiny ones. Especially the tiny ones.
Here's where I'll probably lose some readers: I think reliability is more important than likability in professional relationships. You can be the most charming person in the office, but if you consistently miss deadlines or show up unprepared, you're not being respectful of others' time and effort. And time is the one resource we can't get back.
Boundaries That Benefit Everyone This is where things get interesting. Respectful relationships require healthy boundaries, but most people confuse boundaries with walls. A boundary says "I can't work past 7 PM because I need family time, but I'm fully present during work hours." A wall says "Don't contact me after hours" without offering alternatives or context.
I've watched teams transform when members started communicating their limits clearly. One Perth-based tech startup I worked with had a developer who was notorious for last-minute sick days. Turned out she was burnt out and didn't know how to say no to additional projects. Once she learned to communicate her capacity upfront – "I can take on project A or project B, but not both if you want quality work" – her relationships with colleagues improved dramatically.
The Authenticity Trap
Now here's where I might sound contradictory, but authenticity can be overrated in professional settings. Being authentic doesn't mean sharing every thought or emotion. It means being genuine within appropriate professional boundaries.
I've seen managers who pride themselves on "authentic leadership" but really they're just unfiltered. There's a difference between being genuinely yourself and using authenticity as an excuse for poor communication skills. Authentic doesn't mean unpolished.
The key is workplace abuse training – understanding the difference between appropriate directness and harmful behaviour. Most people either swing too far toward people-pleasing or become unnecessarily harsh. Neither builds respectful relationships.
Building Respect Through Competence
Here's something nobody talks about enough: competence breeds respect. You can be the nicest person in the world, but if you consistently underperform, relationships will suffer. Conversely, someone who delivers excellent work while being reasonably pleasant to work with will earn genuine respect.
This doesn't mean perfection is required. It means taking responsibility for your professional development and not expecting others to carry your weight. I've seen too many "relationship builders" who focus on being liked rather than being valuable team members.
Companies like Google and Microsoft have figured this out – they invest heavily in leadership skills for supervisors because they understand that respect flows both ways. Leaders who develop their competencies earn respect from their teams, but they also create environments where team members feel respected enough to develop their own skills without fear of being undermined.
The Feedback Challenge
Nobody likes receiving feedback, but everybody claims they want it. This contradiction is destroying workplace relationships faster than any other factor. Respectful relationships require both giving and receiving feedback gracefully, but most of us are terrible at both.
Good feedback is specific, timely, and focused on behaviour rather than character. Bad feedback is vague, delayed, or personal. "Your presentation skills need work" is unhelpful. "In yesterday's client meeting, speaking more slowly would have helped convey your technical expertise more effectively" is actionable.
But here's the harder truth: learning to receive feedback respectfully is just as important as giving it well. This means asking clarifying questions instead of getting defensive. It means saying "thank you" even when the feedback stings. It means following up to show you've acted on suggestions.
The Small Daily Choices
Respectful relationships aren't built through grand gestures or team-building exercises. They're built through dozens of small daily choices that most people don't even notice.
It's choosing to listen during meetings instead of planning what you'll say next. It's acknowledging others' contributions in group settings. It's sharing credit generously and taking responsibility when things go wrong. It's remembering personal details that matter to your colleagues – not their favourite coffee order, but the fact that they're dealing with a sick parent or celebrating a child's graduation.
These might sound trivial, but they compound over time. People remember how you make them feel, and feeling respected creates loyalty that survives workplace stress, organisational changes, and personality conflicts.
The Technology Factor
Let's address the elephant in the room: digital communication is making respectful relationships harder to build and easier to damage. Email tone is notoriously difficult to interpret. Slack messages lack nuance. Video calls miss subtle social cues.
I've watched perfectly reasonable people develop hostile relationships based entirely on misinterpreted emails. The solution isn't avoiding technology – it's being more intentional about how we use it. When in doubt, pick up the phone. When stakes are high, meet in person. When messages could be misunderstood, add context or pick a different communication method.
Moving Forward
Building respectful relationships isn't about being perfect or universally liked. It's about creating an environment where people can do their best work while maintaining their dignity and autonomy. It requires honesty, reliability, clear boundaries, and mutual competence.
Most importantly, it requires recognising that respect is earned through consistent actions, not demanded through position or proclaimed through good intentions. You can't build respectful relationships by accident – it takes deliberate effort and ongoing attention.
The payoff, however, is enormous. Teams with genuinely respectful relationships are more innovative, more resilient, and frankly, more enjoyable to be part of. They handle conflict better, support each other during difficulties, and celebrate successes together.
Worth the effort? Absolutely. But only if you're willing to do the hard work of being genuinely respectful, not just polite.
Related Resources: